Funny Jokes - The darker the better!

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Post some funny jokes, the darker the better!

These are just jokes and should not be taken seriously.



"I don't think I ever got over my grandmother's death when I was a kid. My grandmother died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday party, literally while she was eating cake. I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit. I mean, I still have birthday parties, but now I'm just careful what I wish for"

"I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be.

"She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant".

"The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess"

[Lefalaja]

Great stuff cman

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live. His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget."

They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate.

Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, I know it's getting late, but I think we can do it one more time."

"That's easy for you to say," she complains. "You don't have to get up in the morning."

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The best of Charlie Sheen Roast

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ML2-YoQfbTw

[Lefalaja]

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves

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OK here are a few more


How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake


The next one is for Dave
Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away



What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? Lef can't take a joke.


What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's pussy?
Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.

[Lefalaja]

I LOVE THIS SHIT... keep them coming pure gold

[Lefalaja]

Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
A: Hair balls.

Q: What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
A: Come in five flavors

Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A: Crust

Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing

Q: What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy together?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

Q: What is the ultimate rejection?
A: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it but can't eat it

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handle bars

Q: What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
A: All you can eat for under a buck.

Q. What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A. A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.

Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an
orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.

Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 years, the job STILL sucks.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
A: Well, it's where your wife is on all fours, you are firmly
ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you
say to her: "This is the way your sister likes it too."
You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks
in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Q: Why do married men like blowjobs so much?
A: 15 minutes of silence.

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You had some good ones as well!