Funny Jokes - The darker the better!

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Q. Why are there only fast black people?

A. Because all the slow ones are in jail

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A man walks past girl with no arms or legs sitting by a pool. The girl says to the man, "Excuse me sir, I've never been fucked and in my condition no one would want to fuck me. Will you please fuck me?" So the man kicks her into the pool and says, "There, you're fucked."

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Q: A man walks into the bar and sees a sign:


Handjob: $5

Cheese sandwich: $2


He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks,
“Are you the one giving out handjobs?”

“Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.

“Okay,” he said.

A: “Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”

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Q: My last girlfriend called me a pedophile.

A: Thats a pretty big word for a 12-year-old.

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Q.Why did the Mexican man push his wife over the cliff?

A.Tequila
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This friend of mine had a disgusted look on her face and she said "Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people live next to a pedophile"?

I said, "Not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 year olds"

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[Lefalaja]

this is fucking dark and i love it

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[Lefalaja]

Who are the fastest readers?
9/11 jumpers: 87 stories in less than 2 minutes.


A man walks into his bedroom holding a Duck. His wife asks "why are you holding that Duck?" The man says "this is the pig i like to fuck." The wife says "that's not a pig, that's a Duck." The man says "I was talking to the Duck."


A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."


A man goes into a library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide.
The librarian says 'fuck off you won't bring it back'


A guy goes into the library and asks the librarian "do you have the new book on small penises?"
She replies "sorry, I don't think it's in yet."
He says, "yeah, that's the one."


My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sisters panties. It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. It really made the rest of her funeral really awkward.


Have you ever had Ethiopian food? No? Neither have them


two gays walking in the park... one guy stop and tells them "i know you are gay for each others but
you don't need to dress in the same clothing"..... aaaaaand the guy gets arrested


Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.



A young blonde woman find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."


This friend of mine had a disgusted look on her face and she said "Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people live next to a pedophile"? I said, "Not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 year olds".


What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.


My girlfriend thinks I'm a pedophile, but what does she know? She's only 8.


How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.


want to hear a joke about my penis? ..... wait, nevermind... it's to long


Q: What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
A: Acne at least waits until the boy turns 13 before coming on his face.


What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A drug dealer can’t wash his crack and sell it again.


What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A Seatbelt


What do sex and oxygen have in common? You don’t notice either one until you’re not getting any!


A little boy has diarrhea and tells his mom he needs some viagra. She asks him why? He says well isn’t that what you give dad when his shit won’t get hard??


What’ she difference between a woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.


What are the 3 shortest words in the English Language?
Is it in?


What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine.